Crushing Reality

And one year to the day, we were given results from Baby Sebastian’s ultrasound that sadly mimic Abigail’s diagnosis. I had an ultrasound done on Tuesday, July 28th and it showed that my amniotic fluid levels were in the 2.5 percentile (0 is none).  There were other concerns that needed to be confirmed by more detailed ultrasounds at the specialist hospital.

Yesterday, I had that appointment and they confirmed that Sebastian does not have either of his kidneys or the arterial support for them. At this point his amniotic fluid is at 1%.  I have an incredible medical team that will be supporting me throughout this pregnancy. Our Sebastian is due January 4th, however it is very unlikely that he will go to full term and more likely to arrive at the 36-37 week mark, as did Abigail.

Our souls feel crushed and our hearts are broken, but my husband and I are determined to treasure each moment we have with Sebastian.

And we are acutely aware of what a tremendous gift our boys are … yesterday was a long day and I came home to find out that my two youngest sons’ pet fish had died. As I was comforting my darling boys and snuggling them close, an overwhelming feeling of gratitude flooded over me.  My boys were hurting but I was able to comfort them. I was able to feel their soft little bodies snuggled in next to mine. All of their internal systems work properly to produce all of those tears (and snot!) that was soaking my shirt.

Life rarely goes the way that we plan for it and challenges and pain will come that we feel so unprepared for. BUT. There is a large “but” needed there because in the midst of those challenges and pain,  there is incredible beauty. Incredible love and compassion and gifts. They may seem very small, while being overshadowed by your grief, but I encourage you to search for them.

My gifts, love and compassion over the last few weeks have been so soul touching. It may be something as simple as my neighbor returning my recycling bins to my garage door. Or a friend accompanying me on my appointment day because my husband was flying. Or a message from my husband this morning reminding me that he is so grateful that he got to marry his best friend. Or a quick chat with our mail lady.  Or the anticipation of a new book waiting for its words to be read. Or a 13 page thread on a message board that I participate in, of women all over the world, sending me messages of love and concern. Or the perfectly made cup of coffee this morning. Look. They are truly there.

Remember, there is incredible beauty in the dawn that follows the darkest of nights.

See the beauty in the dawn.



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