August 2014

Please click on “Our Angel Abigail” to read the beginning of our Baby Abigail’s story.

August 1, 2014

Our news today wasn’t what we wanted to hear, but at least we have some more conclusive information.  Baby does not have any kidneys, or arteries to support them, and due to lack of amniotic fluid (because of missing kidneys) Baby’s lungs will not develop to sustain life.  I will be carrying our angel to full term, however, it will receive it’s wings within minutes of birth.  I appreciate every note, message, text and prayer that you have sent our way.  I know that the only way we had the strength to get through today was because of that love and those prayers.  Please do not distance yourselves from us in the upcoming months because you don’t know what to say – we just need you to be you.  Even though my heart is grieving, I am still able to rejoice with you in your joy and cry with you in your sorrow.  Thanks for being there, my dear friends.  I love you all!

August 13, 2014

Dealing with grief as an adult is painful, but trying to help my children navigate their way through their feelings and seeing their hurt makes me wish that I could just wrap them up in a magic hug and fix it all for them.

As a child I experienced great losses at basically the same age as my two oldest boys, and I know first hand the necessity of being open and honest with them, on their level. And we have been. They have watched me grieve and I have talked with them about their feelings.

One of my big boys is very open and has a much easier time expressing his feelings and gets it out in big bursts. My other big boy is so much like I was as a child that it would be comical in another setting. However, he has a very hard time letting his pain and grief out and usually it comes out in days like today as anger, typically directed at me.

I understand him and for the most part, know how to work with him, but that doesn’t make it any easier to witness, nor to deal with when I am grieving deeply myself. Despite the difficulties of explaining death to children and answering their many questions of why can’t our baby live and why did this happen to her and will there be more babies in our family and on and on, (most of which I truthfully dont have answers for and are the exact questions that haunt my own mind in the middle of the night), I am so grateful that all of this has taught me to treasure my children even more than I had previously, to realize that stopping for their conversations, hugs and questions is my most important job in life.

They, and their Daddy, are such a huge gifts and help to me. Just some days, like today, after a grueling appointment about Baby and then helping my boys cope, makes for a long, painful, difficult day. Tomorrow is a new day 🙂

August 17, 2014

Caleb’s favorite bedtime lullaby is “You Are My Sunshine”.  The words to the song have become even more real over the past few weeks.  So grateful that I get to sing lullabies to my boys and tuck them in each night.  So much sweetness wrapped up in each of them.

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