Hello and Goodbye


Sebastian Marshall James arrived at 1:05 pm, on December 9, 2015. He gently earned his angel wings at 2:28 pm.  He is so precious and deeply loved and adored. His brothers and his Grammie & Grampie were all able to snuggle him. He weighed 5 lbs 3 ounces and was 18″ long.


“I will never forget the moment that your heart stopped and mine kept beating.”
   – Angela Miller

Our hearts are broken, but the thought of Abigail welcoming Sebastian to Heaven brings some comfort. Our darling babies are so loved, wanted and missed.

See the beauty in the dawn.



Refusing to allow fear to steal beauty

Last week we took our big boys to see the “Good Dinosaur” movie as a distraction. Unfortunately, I somehow inadvertently chose yet another kids movie with death in it, so for one of my son’s it was not as fun of a distraction as we had hoped. Regardless, it was time for my husband and I to get to spend with two of our boys … to get to hear their giggles during funny parts … to indulge in their cute desire for snacks. As we were watching the movie, the following quote was made and it felt personal …

“Sometimes you have to get through your fear to see the beauty on the other side.” – The Good Dinosaur

That exact day was a day where the fear, anger and frustration were lurking at the corners of my world. Fear that in a few short days my body will not be able to do what it needs to do to birth our sweet breech baby, due to the extreme pain it has been in for the last two months. Anger that my husband had to give up something that he had worked so hard to attain, because of everything that is going on. Frustration that we are here again. 55 weeks, to the day, from losing Abigail we will have to say goodbye to her little brother.

But I continue to remind myself that there is beauty in the middle of it all. Beauty in the fact that my doctor called in a prescription for me, to save me an appointment waiting with new babies. Beauty in the messages of support I have regularly received from friends and family. Beauty in the meal train that a friend set up for our family (3 weeks of meals! Wow!). Beauty in the multitude of hugs that my youngest son has repeatedly given me … “One more hug, Mommy??” Beauty in my middle son’s adoring gaze at me, during school, and then his proclamation of how much he loves me. Beauty in my oldest son’s pride at how far he has come in math. Beauty in my husband’s reminders that I can do this. That I am still the strong woman that he married. And that he adores me and is beside me. It’s there. Always.