August 2015

Please click on “Our Angel Sebastian” to read the beginning of our Baby Sebastian’s story.

August 4, 2015

A peaceful spot that is doing wonders for my uneasy heart.


August 7, 2015

I now have a day long appointment on Tuesday, at Mac. It will include an hour long diagnostic ultrasound, consultations with genetic counselors and high risk ob/gyn’s. And we are wrapping up day 3 of a 13 day trip for Christopher. We would so appreciate you keeping us and Baby in your thoughts … for peace of mind for me to do all of those meetings alone and for Christopher who is flying most of the day and ending in Costa Rica, where our communication abilities are sketchy. Thanks dear friends!

ETA: My friends rock 🙂 since I wrote this I’ve had two friends offer to go with me, so I won’t be alone. And of course, the boys’ Auntie rocks also – she is going to be busy with my boys that day.

August 11, 2015

Today was ultrasound day at Mac and unfortunately the news I was given was that Baby Sebastian doesn’t have any kidneys or arterial support. So he will become an angel with our Abigail. Christopher is in Costa Rica and it was hard to give him the news over email. We told our boys last night so that we could tell them together.

At this point it feels like the worst case of deja-vu possible but I am also acutely aware of the beautiful life that I have. Life doesn’t always turn out the way that we hope and dream. But it still has much beauty in it. Remember, there is always beauty in the dawn after the darkest of nights.

August 13, 2015

Starting to read Philip Yancey’s “Where is God When it Hurts?” and this statement articulates my heart perfectly right now … “Many suffering people want to love God, but cannot see past their tears. They feel hurt and betrayed.” Should be an interesting book …

After an incredibly long, lonely couple of weeks where cooking has literally been at the bottom of my list … an angel dressed in a black and white polka dot dress delivered this incredible homemade food to my door today. Tears have streamed down my face the entire time that I served up the food and enjoyed it … I am so grateful for your love and concern, dear friend! (I don’t want to embarrass my food “angel”). Thank you, from our hearts, from myself and my boys. And I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – my friends rock!!


August 17, 2015

Going through grief again, while still navigating the last wave of grief … yes, I can talk about my babies when I am able. And other times I don’t want to talk.

A friend reminded me recently that the reason she called me brave was because I didn’t let the fact that I cried the entire time making a meal this week stop me, but that I kept on going. I can cry. I can feel great pain. I can grieve. And so can you if you are facing grief.

August 26, 2015

There is continually a small catch in the rhythm of my heart when I feel a small hand slip into mine and a little voice says, “You are my favoritest best Mommy ever!” The enormity of that responsibility and gift, coupled with grief at never being able to feel another little hand and hear another little voice. The combination is heart catching.

August 27, 2015

Dear sweet Abigail and darling Sebastian … thank you for teaching me that I need to go outside of my comfort zone and create fun memories with your big brothers, even if it is a mess that produce those memories. My heart is filled with the delight of your brothers.



August 31, 2015

After a long medical appointment day, it is very grounding to listen to my little boys’ chatter as they make pretend lemonade. Even the spats over ice cubes is a delightful reminder of everything I do have.



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